Today I had a thought: sometimes it seems like it would be a lot easier if I was perpetually a new believer. I wouldn't deal with the hardships that come with walking along side Jesus. I could be filled with that, "oh wow, this is rad" factor without the "oh hey, this is hard, I'm hurting, I'm suffering" part of faith.
Being a new believer was so exciting and new, there is so much to learn, and so much to discover; there still is. But after a while I started to realize, "oh hey, they weren't kidding when they said this wouldn't be easy." It was something I struggled with for a while. But following Christ is more than rewarding. Being able to face the darkness within myself, not alone, but with a partner, the God of the universe, that vanquishes darkness is... well I can't even find the words for it. I have learned that following Christ isn't easy, but it is necessary. I can't imagine feeling the love of God and then turning away. Ignoring it, fighting it off. But I have done it so many times in my life. Turning away from the call of my Savior becomes only too easy. Practice makes perfect. Once you find yourself in that pattern, it is so hard to break. It is painful, and from that side of the fence, it seems like all you get for that pain is... more pain.
But God's love is evident everywhere in my life. It is the common factor that connects my days of extreme joy, and extreme sorrow. No matter where I am, what I'm doing, or what choices I make, God loves me, and God sacrifices for me.
I don't want the shallow, new believer relationship, I want to go deeper and deeper. I want to be so wrapped up in his light that I shine for him, and he shines through me. I want God to be known, and evident through my day to day choices. It takes constant discipline. I'm a pretty selfish person. Living for anyone besides myself is like pulling teeth. But it is the life God calls me to, and hey, I'm not going to argue with that!
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